13 things that feel haunted but are not… probably

words by Anagha Chundury, art by Hannah Nguyen

1. Peeing in the dark 

It’s 3:42 am.

You wait as long as you can until you can’t hold it any longer and drag yourself out of your warmth under the covers into the cold of the night.

You walk slowly to the bathroom, creak the door open, and take a seat immediately, forgetting to turn on the light. The cold porcelain bowl sends shivers down your spine and through your body.

Or maybe it's something else…

2. Making a new friend 

“Hi!” She sits down across from you at the coffee shop and you are nervous and excited and hoping this is everything you want it to be. There is no feeling quite like making a new friend.

You learn all of the things you have in common—she likes gardening and Derry Girls and Spotify stalking and the Trader Joe’s Herbs and Spices popcorn, and she hates that on instagram reels, your followers can see when you liked a post.

As you drive, she punches the roof at a yellow light. You are flooded with memories of when your best friend used to do that, and it made you laugh because she didn’t quite have an answer as to why, just that it was lucky. You ask your new friend and she tells you the same thing. What else do they have in common? 

You feel her presence—patterns lingering over your conversation with your new friend, coloring your fresh feelings with memories from the past. Cautions, about what might make your new friend sad, what might make her angry, what might make her leave, but also residues and reminiscence of the joy you and your past friend experienced in the very same car. You hope this friendship will be full of love and happiness and all of the beautiful things you felt in the previous season of your life, within your old friendship.

3. When your umbrella flips inside out 

This did not just happen. Are you kidding?! Yes, it was a particularly strong gust of wind. But how did it only flip YOUR umbrella?! The wind has something against you. The universe has something against you.

Something out there has something against you… Something… Someone?

You wonder if, on an alternate plane somewhere, someone is watching you, teasing you, blowing a little extra hard on just your umbrella, flipping it inside out, and laughing as you sit confused, helpless, wondering. 

4. Superstitions 

Don’t cut your nails in the evening or on Tuesday or on Friday, or your house will get robbed. Make sure your bed is facing North, or your dreams will become nightmares. Don’t ever put a mirror facing your bed, or you might find yourself going through a portal into another dimension. Don’t pass the salt from hand to hand, or your relationship will suffer. Don’t swallow a watermelon seed, or it may grow inside you. What would happen if you did?

You never dare to find out. 

5. Listening to an old playlist 

It’s gloomy. The sky is littered with clouds and the world is a sluggish gray and you fight long and hard with yourself about whether or not you are making it to class today. Nothing will make this day better, but you hope that something will make it easier. What do you wear for this weather? What should you eat for lunch? (the answer is a warm soup) Should you bring an umbrella? Is it cold enough to need a sweater? Is it warm enough to take it off? You scroll through your playlists and see “rainy days,” circa 2017. 

The first four notes are enough to transport you completely.  Now, you are on the bus on the way to high school, watching the sunrise and thinking about seeing your crush in AP Stat… What happened to him? Who is he now? Does he ever listen to an old song and think about you? You remember what it was like to be fifteen, with the world at your fingertips and the perfect soundtrack to accompany you. You will never listen to some of these songs ever again (how did I ever say that was my favorite song?!) and some of these songs you will listen to repeatedly for the next month, chasing the feeling of being young and hopeful and on the bus. 

6. Moving 

Piece by piece, you tear down the tape carefully, hoping to get it all in one piece so you aren’t left digging at little pieces for HOURS trying to get it all off the wall.

Your birthday letter from your friend, a polaroid with your cousins, a pretty flier, a concert poster, a little sticker you picked up on a trip, and a postcard from your sister.

Now, the wall is bare.

The traces of you are gone, almost like you were never there, never lived in that room, never laughed and cried and existed in a space that felt so entirely yours yet is now so entirely empty.

How many people lived there before you? How many other voices echoed around the walls and claimed the space that you felt so deeply was only yours? Who will come next? Who will print pictures of their best friends or put prints of famous artwork over the space where yours used to lie? Who will wonder about you—the one who was there before? 

7. Being ghosted 

In a dark room, your phone lights up and you lunge to read the notification.

Gmail. Damn.

Yesterday, you felt brave and bold and you texted them “how was your day” in a way that felt like you were baring your soul to them.

But now it’s a new day.

Now, “how was your day” has a whispering word added to it—“yesterday.” Now, it’s been a day since you heard from them. A day turns into a week. You feel the weight of the blue bubble hanging in the air, the prospective future you planned together becomes a fleeting and distant memory, just beyond your grasp.

Where did they go? How did they disappear into thin air without a warning, vanishing from your life without even a trace? How do you find the word to describe the way your tangible, connected reality faded into a space now occupied by questions. How your hope flickers like a lightbulb in a haunted room. Then it comes to you.

Ghost. 

8. Stepping on a crack 

Has anyone's mom actually broken their back? You laugh to yourself, you know it isn’t true, and yet you still walk carefully, taking bigger steps than usual to avoid stepping on a crack just in case.

9. 5 years ago today Snapchat

Every time you think to yourself “it's time to delete Snapchat”—you can’t remember the last time you “snapped” someone—the little red dot pops up, signifying a new memory to unlock.

5 years ago, today.

Flashback from September 28th. This week, in previous years. You open up a portal to the past and see yourself as you were yesterday, or a year ago, or in middle school. What an outfit! What a time! You see pictures of yourself crying over something you can’t even remember anymore (you documented it every. single. time), videos with friends you haven’t spoken to in, well, roughly 5 years, and an ungodly amount of filters. Maybe tomorrow you won’t have a “memory,” maybe tomorrow it will finally be time to say goodbye, but not today. Today you learn from your past mistakes, fashion and otherwise, and you remember what it was like to be you, 5 years ago today. 

10. Your favorite stuffed animal

It’s your fourth birthday. You walk through the mall, hand-in-hand with your sisters and parents, and it’s the first time you’re allowed to pick out something of your own—a Webkinz. The first store you enter, you see her: wide, brown eyes, big ears, soft fur, and an unspoken sweetness. You know that she is your dog. Your parents try to teach the lesson of patience—“Let’s see the other stores before deciding”—but the four of you share a secret, knowing promise that you will be back, confirmed when your mom hides her in a pile of bunnies. 

Now, she sleeps next to you in your bed and you are reminded of this day: the first time you ever felt love at first sight. It all comes back to you when you sleep with her beside you. Yet, there’s a hollowness there too, a depth that you can’t quite name. It’s not nostalgia, not melancholy, but something in-between… A longing for simple joy, for youth—a time you once rushed to outgrow but now find yourself yearning to return to, knowing you never can. 

But when you see her, sweet familiar eyes, you are reminded that part of you will be there forever. 

11. Bloody Mary

Every now and then when you enter the bathroom and look in the mirror, you feel her presence float past you, a sudden chill. You wonder about her and her legend, remember the times you and your friends used to play and test the limits—saying her name once, twice, but never a third time flicking the lights and secretly hoping for a glimpse of her next to your reflection. You hear her name loud and clear in your thoughts but never pass through your lips, on the off-chance that the legend is true, on the off-chance that you might summon her and bring her to this bathroom with you.

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bl… 

12. Basements

Why is it always just a little bit colder in the basement? Sure, it's underground, maybe it's unfinished, but none of those reasons seem to explain the immediate chill from descending the stairs that you never really get acclimated to. You hear footsteps shaking the ceiling above you, voices echoing through the walls, the sound of the water heater turning on exactly when there is a moment of silence.

You see “The Magic Treehouse” series, shoes that you never wear but couldn’t quite bring yourself to part with, your roller skates from that brief stint in fifth grade when you thought you would become a professional skater, photo albums from your childhood, from your parents’ childhood, your Strawberry Shortcake watch that still turns on but never quite worked right. 

You wonder if the chill is the presence of everything you discarded from yourself but not your house—objects, dreams, memories, fears, lingering ghosts of what could have been, and maybe you have held onto them for so long, pushed far out of sight but never truly gone, makes you feel like they are what should have been.