“Proving Yourself” as a Woman in STEM

words by Cayla Celis, art by Ananya Sairaman

The fall semester of my second year was rough, all thanks to three words: 

Computer Aided Design.

One glance at Lou’s List and you’d think that Computer Aided Design would be an “easy” class; after all, it was only a one-credit course.  It couldn’t be that hard, could it? 

I was proven dead wrong 30 minutes into the first day. It was the most exhausting class I had taken up to that point, and not just because of the assignments. It would remind me of another three, miserable words: Woman in STEM™. 

That’s what I was, and I was not to forget that;if I was on the verge of forgetting, Computer Aided Design was there to remind me every Monday afternoon at 3:30 pm sharp, with the same itinerary for me to follow (Celis 2022).

3:30 pm - Watch the professor go over what we had to model for that class session in a blasé manner as if he was a Nobel Prize winner forced to teach kindergarteners how to draw triangles. 

3:40 pm - Start assignment, and freak the fuck out

3:45 pm - Swallow my pride and ask the professor for help.

3:48 pm - Nod and feel like an idiot while the professor clicks on stuff, only for him to undo it all and make me do it again myself.

4 pm - Observe (the often white and often male) students turn in their finished models and shut down their computers. Do this while struggling to hold back tears.

4:05 pm - Observe said students talk to the professor, who actually smiles at them. Why the fuck are they talking about fencing, of all things?.

4:09 pm - Swallow my pride even more to raise a hand again. The professor comes by but frowns at me the whole time.

4:30 pm - Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry SHIT I’m crying 

4:32 pm - Resign to my fate and keep working even though more and more people are filing out.

5:20 pm - Finally finish my modeling twenty minutes after the end of class and leave, trying to not sob my way out of the door.

This is not to say that I wasn’t cognizant of being a Woman in STEM™ before. I first started to recognize my status as such in middle school, when I started to take STEM classes more seriously. No longer was the gender split 50/50; I soon became accustomed to only seeing ten other girls compared to the 20 or so boys in the class. The boys seemed much more assertive, always raising their hands to answer questions and arguing with each other about the right answer. They were rewarded in popularity, attention, and our teacher’s validation. 

I, on the other hand, had a completely different experience. I wasn’t allowed to be confused, have questions, or say that I had the correct answer even if all the boys at my table were dead wrong.

• “You’re struggling with that? I thought you were smart” (Celis 2014).

• “If we had a smarter classmate, maybe we would have done better on this assignment” (Celis 2014).

• “I’m right, you’re wrong. Just listen to me and this robot’s gonna work” (Celis 2016)

More insultingly, it didn’t seem to matter even when I succeeded.  

• My biology teacher: “I’m sorry you couldn’t get into TJ. While I don’t have my recommendation for you, I did say that you were the smartest girl in the class” (Celis 2017). Yup, big emphasis on the word “girl.” And yes, I wanted to combust right then and there.

• A friend of a friend in a lower math class: “You? In the highest math classes offered here? I guess I could see that” (Celis 2017).

For reference, I did fine in middle school: I earned all A’s, actively participated in five extracurriculars, won multiple science fair ribbons, and was awarded medals annually for being an outstanding student in math (Celis 2017).

This is not to brag about accomplishments that happened 10 years ago (god I’m old); rather, it is to recognize just how majorly fucked this is. I struggled so much with feeling like I belonged in STEM when clearly I did.  The microaggressions I experienced made me doubt if I deserved to be in STEM: if I wasn’t always getting the right answer, was I smart enough to be in STEM? Was I good enough to be in STEM? Was I ruining the good name of all Women in STEM™? Was I somehow…defective?

Unfortunately, things didn’t improve after middle school.I could go on about the high school robotics team I was a part of for four years and how even as a senior, they gave me and the other Women in STEM™  menial tasks, while allowing a freshman boy to design the robot on his first day (Celis 2020). I could also go on about the lack of girls in my governor school physics classes and the microaggressions my professor spouted (Celis 2021). 

At UVA, comments like “You don’t seem like you’d do mechanical engineering” or “You give more like bio vibes” made me second guess my major choices (Celis 2022). Who could forget the sea of white, cisgender, heterosexual men in my mechanical engineering classes that rendered me into a brown speck (Celis 2022)? And of course, Computer Aided Design to emphasize just how defective I was.

So why even bother? Why not switch to a career that’s less hostile? Is this pursuit a little insane or is it just dedication?

Two reasons. One is, admittedly, spite. I want to prove that I’m not just worthy of being a Woman in STEM™, but worthy of simply being in STEM. I want to be great enough to rip the Woman in STEM™ label off my forehead and just be…great regardless of my gender labels.

The second reason? Because of my passion for STEM. 

I can’t imagine a future without toying with numbers, code, and 3D modeling to do something meaningful. I live for the hit of dopamine I get when all my manipulations finally work, all the 0’s turn into 1’s, all the FALSEs become TRUEs, and everything works exactly how I designed them to be. If I can use these languages to not enforce the status quo but instead imagine better realities, then all the challenges and self-doubt become worth it. 

These reasons alone carried me through Computer Aided Design with a B+ and helped me navigate all the other classes that nearly made me switch majors (Celis 2023). 

I belong in STEM, not despite who I am, but because of it.

References

Celis, Cayla. (2021). Governor’s School: The Physics Professor is an Ass, and I Feel Bad About Myself Again, Yay! Women are Allowed to Get Things Wrong, Just Don’t Be an Ass About It, 200(2000) 1-2000.

Celis, Cayla. (2020). High School Robotics: This is My Third Year on the Team, and I Haven’t Touched Shit Yet While He Has? If I’m Not Assertive, I Won’t Learn Anything, But if I am, the Boys on this Godforsaken Team will Make Fun of Me, 20(2000) 1-20.

Celis, Cayla. (2022). Huh, is this UVA Classroom a Live Action Adaptation of “50 Shades of White”? They Complain About Too Much Diversity, But, like, Where Is It?, 100(1000) 1-1000.

Celis, Cayla. (2023). I Passed All These Classes, But At What Cost?. Strengths of Materials, Why Did You Have to Bomb my GPA Like That?, 40(4000) 1-4000.

Celis, Cayla. (2017). I Swear to God if Middle School is my Peak…Yup, I Did Peak in Middle School, 40(4000) 1-4000.

Celis, Cayla. (2014). Middle School was Traumatizing, oh God Why??. Whoever Created Middle School Should Be in Hell Right Now Because It’s One of the Most Evil Things Ever Made, 40(4000) 1-4000.

Celis, Cayla. (2016). Our Robot Did not Perform Well. Middle School Robotics: An Even Crueler Invention, 40(4000) 1-4000.

Celis, Cayla. (2022). Please Leave Me the Fuck Alone, I Don’t Have to Look Like Anything. Microaggressions: Yup, they’re real and so fun! XD ;((, 40(4000) 1-4000.