Inheritance
by Wendy Gao
there is a gap
in language
a hole in my memory
ripped
like roots from the earth
I go there now
as I confront the task
of paying you homage
for debts that cannot be paid
with words that do not exist
still I whisper this prayer to heaven
as if I am kneeling at your feet
a postcard of filial piety
addressed to the celestial city.
my life was conceived
in this chasm
with a sacrifice exacted by
the most painful kind of love
loving that means leaving
you gave your son and daughter
then cried tears
that filled an ocean
and delivered my parents
to the doorstep of America.
drowning in sin
my grief is poisoned with guilt
I fear that I have chained my parents
to a land that has kept them from you
life without parole
I held the gavel and delivered the sentence
lost at sea with no way home
I never knew you in the way
you deserved to be known
and
loved.
how then
do I honor you?
who knew
emptiness
could be
so heavy.
I wonder now how to mourn
someone I can only remember
in dreams
I scour the depths of my brain
for memories
dead in the water
ghosts of hopes and
imagined
alternate universes
I wake
with nothing
but flashes of moments
too fleeting
a smile
a laugh
a bike ride
a clasp of hands.
each day a civil war
I curse myself
for my sparse remembrance
how can I preserve your memory
when I have so little to hold onto
memories so slippery
water in my palms
returning to
salt water
tears of the sea.
but I woke today
and saw
your memory
in the girl who peered back at me
within the mirror
the blood in my veins
was yours first
I stand
on your shoulders
and walk
because you crawled
I came into my own
because you surrendered yours
your memory
is my inheritance
I am
because of you
and I will spend all my days
preserving the you
in me.
memories are also found
they can be excavated and unearthed
shared and held
together
stories at dinner tables
pictures in photo albums
the memories of my parents
leak into mine
like their tears
mixing with mine.
I will find you
and know you
in this world
until I can meet you
in the world after this one
and clasp your hands again.
may you rest
peacefully
forever
in all of our memories.
