better in stereo
words by Bhavya, art by Tori Ochave
Iddi…
i miss you.
i never expected that the two who were once two steps away, our rooms across the hall from each other, would be 2000 miles away.
the walls of our house that gleefully eavesdropped on our silly quarrels are now engulfed in an eerie silence that permeates every corner.
our DMs are like barren land, with no water to foster the sweet conversations that mirror the ones we would have in the kitchen at 3 am—giggling nonstop over amma’s reaction to us cooking ramen at ungodly hours.
the pixels on a screen can never convey unspoken emotions—our hearts remain disconnected.
meanwhile, our Facetime calls serve as a painful reminder that though we stay connected in this digital age, the pixels on a screen can never convey unspoken emotions—our hearts remain disconnected.
my dorm room will always remain dark and cold, void of the moments when you would burst into my room back home unannounced. though i would dismiss your cheerful chatter, i wish i had told you to stay, even if it was just for a moment.
so now, i recite Telugu dialogues to my roommate instead, reminiscing how we would recite them in the car coming back from Chinmaya as nanna joined our childish antics.
i will be the devil in your ear, whispering for you to bend the rules a little and enjoy your teen years.
Iddi…
i wish i could come back and drift to sleep by your side as we gush over our most recently watched kdrama. i wish i could roll endlessly amongst your plethora of squishmallows—the same ones we would fight for in the aisles of Costco at our mature ages of 18 and 14 as if we were 7 and 3.
even when you drive me crazy, you will always be my other half, the better half.
you will always be the angel on my shoulder, comforting me in trying times. you’ll be everything i need.
i will be the devil in your ear, whispering for you to bend the rules a little and enjoy your teen years. i want to take your sadness and pain, reminding you of all the good days to come.
even though i have to look up to talk to your 5’8 self and even when our hair has turned all gray, you will always be the baby girl who clutched my pinky with her tiny hands in the hospital in Baltimore.
i do not want you to be me—the girl who ditched hangouts for swim practice and buried her schedule with extracurriculars and closing shifts.
i never want a day where the light is drained from your eyes, replaced with tears because you were scolded once more for not filling your mind with the musty scent of textbooks till your body went numb. i do not want you to be me—the girl who ditched hangouts for swim practice and buried her schedule with extracurriculars and closing shifts.
i hope you spend your girlhood throwing sleepovers with your girlfriends, binging kdramas with them instead. i hope you gossip about your silly crushes and talk incessantly about your prom dress. i hope you enjoy the Arizona sunsets, reminiscing the joyful moments while wrapped in each others’ embrace. always live your life with no regrets, always maintaining your soft smile that reveals your bunny teeth (and the gap between them sorry, not sorry).
most of all, i want to see you celebrate yourself for every little thing you have accomplished. the iPad should be filled with your cute literary reviews and dance performances. our family WhatsApp group chat should be flooded with you flaunting your honor roll certificates and trophies. even when i am 2000 miles away on the opposite coast, i want to celebrate you every day.
even if my head is in a book and yours is in the clouds, your akka is one call away, truly.
Iddi…
i am there for you, always. i exist within you, our souls forever intertwined. we are the same person but in different fonts, our souls sewn together since birth. in this sweet harmony of coexistence, i never want you to give up your personhood. even if my head is in a book and yours is in the clouds, your akka is one call away, truly.
just like our favorite song Magic Shop…
open this door into my heart and settle in for a cup of tea. whisper your sorrows into my ear and hold my hand when you feel lost. you will never walk alone for this unbreakable bond of sisterhood will lift each other even in the most trying times.
whether i am next door or across the country, i will always recite Telugu dialogues with you in our little red Nissan. remember our hearts are intertwined by not only blood but eternal love.
yours truly,
akka <33
